Monsters in 'Merica

Monsters in ‘Merica

A News Anchor gets more than he bargains for when interviewing a local monster hunter.

     “And now let’s take it out to the streets with ace anchor Kip McMillan. Kip what kind of adventures are you up to today?”

      Kip McMillan former sports anchor turned man on the street interview jock was out on assignment to interview the local nut balls of the community. He knew this was his last chance to try to make it before being put out to pasture for good. They had sent him out to the boardwalk during a bright sunny, morning with some unseasonably choppy waters. “Thanks Wink. Down here at Finnegan’s Boardwalk people come for a variety of reasons. Some come for the rides, some people come for the freak show, parents bring their kids to fly kites and play in the water, young men bring lovely young ladies on a first date at Scoop’s of Fun, and to play giant skee ball but today we see a new kind of visitor, a visitor that has not been seen before. No not the occupiers, not the elderly nudists, not even the puppet lovers of America, no today we meet Wally Fitzgivens and his marry band of monster fishermen, yes a group that has turned their attention from fishing for fish and have started fishing, for sea monsters.”

Fitzgivens was a small man, inches above dwarf, looking like a mix between a barnacle with eyes and the surf and turf that Kip had eaten for dinner last night, and came back this morning. “I saw’s me this documentary a few weeks ago. My grandson Billy told me about it. He said that there was some monsters attacking the coast down in there in the Japan. I knew I had to do my part to keep my home safe, I is all that stands between monsters, and ‘merica.”

     “Mr. Fitzgivens what as the name of this documentary you watched?” asked Kip trying to stay as professional as possible.

     “Well sir, I don’t speak the language but they seemed to keep calling the monsters Gojirraz.” Replied Fitzgivins with the conviction of a priest giving his Sunday sermon.

     “You mean you watched Godzilla sir?” asked Kip.

     “Could have been, again I don’t speak there talk so good.” Fitzgivins lack of formal education shining through.

     “Have you happened to have caught anything yet Mr.Fitzgivens?” Kip was trying to keep his composure.

     “In fact we have made quite the haul, and my grandson has been good enough to help me classify each and every one of them. Here we have a Rodan, this one is a Kraken, and this one is my prized catch so far, I got me a genuine Cathulu. People have been trying to tell me that these here are the things of myth and legend, but the proof is in the pudding. Your eyes don’t lie.” Fitzginins gleemed his proudest smile that could indeed scare the bravest child.

     “Mr.Fitzgivens, that one is a frog. Albeit a very large frog, I would say fifteen pounds, but a frog none the less. This Cathulu as you call it seems to be a fish that choked on a squid. Not to discourage you but I don’t know that these are actually sea monsters as much as they are just normal sea creatures that pose no actual threat. Have you ever thought about maybe trying to turn your attention to creatures of the land? The Bigfoot perhaps? The Chupacabra maybe? Or even the Jersey Devil?” Kip was at the end of his rope, professionalism be damned, if it meant that his staying would mean more lunatics like this then he was finished.

     “What do you think I am? Some kind of nut? What’s next I should go chasing fairies and leprechauns? I am looking to protect our shores from a real threat, not some scary story your mama told you at bed time.” Fitzgivens was starting to get defensive.

     “I don’t mean to offend Mr.Fitzgivens. Let’s say that there really is a large group of sea monsters coming this way. What are you going to do if you catch one of these monsters? What are you using for bait?” Kip realized that he did need this job, it was all he had, and if he could hold on for just three more weeks he could retire with his pension and try to make some semblance of a new life.

     “Oh these, these aren’t the monsters, these here are monster babies. I caught these babies to use as bait. The way I sees it, little monsters get eaten by bigger monsters, it’s how the food chain works, and if I took your babies would you want to come get them back?” Said Fitzgivins with a certain amount of glee.

     Kip was hearing the voice of his producer in his earwig, he could hear the worry, bordering on terror in his voice. “Hold on I’m getting word that the National Guard has just issued a state of emergency. They said something is coming this way, it’s big and it’s coming fast. We have to get out of here.”

     “Oh yeah she’s on her way, and she’s pissed.” A giant grin came across Fitzgivens face like a kid on Christmas.

     Winks voice started coming through now. “Sorry to break in Kip, but we just got word that the Navy has lost four ships to this thing. You have to get out of there.”

     “Oh god it’s too late, it’s here and it’s gigantic! Are you getting this?” Kip could not believe what he was seeing. A three legged monster the size of a building, red eyes glowing like the infernos of hell. Claws the size of Volkswagens, and heat that Kip could feel coming from its breath.

     The giant monster emerged from the water larger and more terrifying than anything Kip could have ever imagined. It’s opened its giant mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, Kip knew he would not survive, so he did the only thing he could think of. “Can I get an interview?”