Monsters
in ‘Merica
A
News Anchor gets more than he bargains for when interviewing a local monster
hunter.
“And now let’s take it out to the streets
with ace anchor Kip McMillan. Kip what kind of adventures are you up to today?”
Kip McMillan former sports anchor turned
man on the street interview jock was out on assignment to interview the local
nut balls of the community. He knew this was his last chance to try to make it
before being put out to pasture for good. They had sent him out to the
boardwalk during a bright sunny, morning with some unseasonably choppy waters. “Thanks
Wink. Down here at Finnegan’s Boardwalk people come for a variety of reasons.
Some come for the rides, some people come for the freak show, parents bring their kids to fly kites and play in the water, young men bring lovely young ladies on
a first date at Scoop’s of Fun, and to play giant skee ball but today we see a
new kind of visitor, a visitor that has not been seen before. No not the
occupiers, not the elderly nudists, not even the puppet lovers of America, no
today we meet Wally Fitzgivens and his marry band of monster fishermen, yes a
group that has turned their attention from fishing for fish and have started
fishing, for sea monsters.”
Fitzgivens was a small man, inches above
dwarf, looking like a mix between a barnacle with eyes and the surf and turf
that Kip had eaten for dinner last night, and came back this morning. “I saw’s
me this documentary a few weeks ago. My grandson Billy told me about it. He
said that there was some monsters attacking the coast down in there in the
Japan. I knew I had to do my part to keep my home safe, I is all that stands
between monsters, and ‘merica.”
“Mr. Fitzgivens what as the name of this
documentary you watched?” asked Kip trying to stay as professional as possible.
“Well sir, I don’t speak the language but
they seemed to keep calling the monsters Gojirraz.” Replied Fitzgivins with the
conviction of a priest giving his Sunday sermon.
“You mean you watched Godzilla sir?” asked
Kip.
“Could have been, again I don’t speak there
talk so good.” Fitzgivins lack of formal education shining through.
“Have you happened to have caught anything
yet Mr.Fitzgivens?” Kip was trying to keep his composure.
“In fact we have made quite the haul, and
my grandson has been good enough to help me classify each and every one of
them. Here we have a Rodan, this one is a Kraken, and this one is my prized
catch so far, I got me a genuine Cathulu. People have been trying to tell me
that these here are the things of myth and legend, but the proof is in the
pudding. Your eyes don’t lie.” Fitzginins gleemed his proudest smile that could
indeed scare the bravest child.
“Mr.Fitzgivens, that one is a frog. Albeit
a very large frog, I would say fifteen pounds, but a frog none the less. This
Cathulu as you call it seems to be a fish that choked on a squid. Not to
discourage you but I don’t know that these are actually sea monsters as much as
they are just normal sea creatures that pose no actual threat. Have you ever
thought about maybe trying to turn your attention to creatures of the land? The
Bigfoot perhaps? The Chupacabra maybe? Or even the Jersey Devil?” Kip was at
the end of his rope, professionalism be damned, if it meant that his staying
would mean more lunatics like this then he was finished.
“What do you think I am? Some kind of nut?
What’s next I should go chasing fairies and leprechauns? I am looking to
protect our shores from a real threat, not some scary story your mama told you
at bed time.” Fitzgivens was starting to get defensive.
“I don’t mean to offend Mr.Fitzgivens.
Let’s say that there really is a large group of sea monsters coming this way.
What are you going to do if you catch one of these monsters? What are you using
for bait?” Kip realized that he did need this job, it was all he had, and if he
could hold on for just three more weeks he could retire with his pension and
try to make some semblance of a new life.
“Oh these, these aren’t the monsters, these
here are monster babies. I caught these babies to use as bait. The way I sees
it, little monsters get eaten by bigger monsters, it’s how the food chain works,
and if I took your babies would you want to come get them back?” Said
Fitzgivins with a certain amount of glee.
Kip was hearing the voice of his producer
in his earwig, he could hear the worry, bordering on terror in his voice. “Hold
on I’m getting word that the National Guard has just issued a state of
emergency. They said something is coming this way, it’s big and it’s coming
fast. We have to get out of here.”
“Oh yeah she’s on her way, and she’s
pissed.” A giant grin came across Fitzgivens face like a kid on Christmas.
Winks voice started coming through now. “Sorry
to break in Kip, but we just got word that the Navy has lost four ships to this
thing. You have to get out of there.”
“Oh god it’s too late, it’s here and it’s
gigantic! Are you getting this?” Kip could not believe what he was seeing. A
three legged monster the size of a building, red eyes glowing like the infernos
of hell. Claws the size of Volkswagens, and heat that Kip could feel coming
from its breath.
The giant monster emerged from the water
larger and more terrifying than anything Kip could have ever imagined. It’s
opened its giant mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, Kip knew he would not
survive, so he did the only thing he could think of. “Can I get an interview?”
